dessert

vanilla ice cream is tastey. apple pie is tastey. vanilla ice cream and apple pie together is really tastey. the thermodynamics of this combination frustrates the hell out of me.

you get a plate of warm apple pie, and a lobe of ice cream. best case scenario is having every bite include both ice cream and pie. worst case scenario is what normally happens; the ice cream melts within the first 5 bites leaving half your pie swimming in a pool of luke cool ice cream. here's an idea... two food items should be on two different plates held at two different temperatures.

sorry, this is just funny.....

oh yes, it will be mine....

one of my co-workers recently purchased a VW phaeton and drove it to work to show off. this is a $80,000+ vehicle. VW built a special factory in germany to build only this car. one of the 10 million bells and whistles in this thing is the automatic windshield wipers. the windshield senses rain and turns on your wipers for you automatically. it also vaires the speed of the wipers depending on how much rain is on your windshield. i tried to figure out how this worked for several days. i finally decided that it is black magic.

the question popped back into my head again this morning and i finally gave in to the power of google. turns out it is simple physics.

PHYSICS LESSON KIDS!!!!

there is a transmitter/sensor behind the rearview mirror, atttached to the windshield that spews out infrared beams at a 45 degree angle into the glass. glass has a refractive index of 1.50, water has a refractive index of 1.33, air has a refractive index of 1.00029. therefore, the infrared light angle gets changed when there is water adjacent to the glass as opposed to air. the sensor reads the change in reflection angle and operates the wipers accordingly. the more water on the windshield, the more beams get changed, etc.

whats even better is that this system can be retro-fitted into any car for as little as $150. you can buy them here:

kick ass wiper controls sytem!!!!!!

happy!

that is one happy polar bear! that makes me want to swim in frigid cold water.

3 strikes....

let's see.... i count pedophelia, beastiality, and necrophelia.... am i missing any??
old comics, new humor

"stop offending jesus"

this is one of the funniest things i've seen in a long time. mythbot is a robot that questions, and truthfully answers some of lifes mythical statements. here's an excerpt about the statement "jesus is the answer":


Myth: Jesus is the Answer
Reality: Jesus doesn't know shit

If you were the unquestioned ruler and master of the entire universe, what would you be doing right now?

1. Creating amazing new worlds for spaceships to fly around to
2. Causing natural disasters
3. Inventing new species
4. Producing infinite amounts of the best beer in the history of the world
5. Helping Sally Mae get an A in 10th grade english.

If you're any kind of ruler and master of the universe, you should already know the answer to that. According to Mythbot, it says here that the "Jesus is the answer" myth can be extinguished by using only five variations of it. So let's get to that.

My son can't pass Algebra I. Jesus is the answer:
Jesus never had to take Algebra I and he doesn't know anything about it. If your son is having trouble in Algebra I, he needs to get a math tutor. No matter how awesome Jesus is, and believe me he's awesome, He doesn't know anything about Algebra. He probably doesn't even know your son's name since your son must be a flipping idiot if he can't learn basic Algebra. But we can delay the reality train for a little longer, I guess, if only we pray about it.

I just found out I have a fatal disease. Jesus is the answer:
I know that the bible is a really long book to read, and at times it can get so boring that you actually want judgment day to start just so things will seem more important, but if you take nothing else away from reading a few passages of the bible, it should be this: Jesus wants you to die. That's his plan. If you don't die, you can't meet Jesus. A lot of people have a "better later than now" kind of attitude toward death. Stop offending Jesus. He's ready for you today.

....and it goes on.

On the topic of "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings":

At the very end, Jimmy Stewart's creepy old time 1946 daughter puts a bell on a tree and mumbles the chilling phrase, "Everytime a bells rings, an angel gets its wings." There's something not quite right about this entire scene. Does anyone actually buy into the notion that an angel getting its wings is a good thing? At the very least, I want it to have to sweat a little bit to find me. The problem with an angel is that its dead, and the problem with giving it wings is this:

now it can fly after you!

not doctored....

these are scans from the original comic, and are not doctored. what the hell did they mean by "boner" back in the day??

profiteering

due to gas prices rising and americans not wanting to take public transportation, this is an investment waiting to jump on. i am seriously considering investing in 5-10 tankers of gas at todays prices, waiting a year or two, and then selling it at slightly lower than next years prices. 50-100% return depending on the market. if anyone wants to join let me know.

quityerbellyachin!!!!!!

i swear i'm gonna pistolwhip the next person that complains about gas prices. it is not OPEC being greedy, or Halliburton being greedy that is causing gas prices to go up in the US. it is caused by plain and simple high school economics supply and demand laws. demand is up by large amounts due to it being summer and families are traveling, supply is down in past months due to the high demand causing our refineries to fail. 4 of our 10 large refineries in the US had to at least partially shut down production in the past month for repairs. simple.... demand up, supply down, cost up.

and just to put it in perspective, not only do we pay about half of what europeans pay per gallon at the pump, but gasoline is one of the cheapest fluids in the US market. even after the $75 million (avg.) spent per oil well associated with getting oil out of the ground, and refining it, and transporting it, gas is still only $2.50 a gallon. for comparison:


- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
- Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
- Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

pet peeve #142

when you go into a typical restaurant (e.g. sandwich shop) and while you look at the menu, you are asked "May I help you?"

GIVE ME A GODDAMNED SECOND!!!!!

1. it should be known that if i step foot into your establishment, i plan on ordering some food; and yes, when i am ready, you will be able to help me. unless, of course i don't like your menu. in this rare case, you will not be able to help me, but you will know this because i will walk out of your establishment.

2. i am standing 10 feet away from the counter, staring up at the menu, searching for something that i want to eat. do you know exactly what i want to eat? no? then you can't possibly help me right at this second, don't talk to me!! when i make my decision, you will be able to help me, and you will know this because i will step up to the ordering counter and make eye contact with you with a "i would like to order now" look on my face.

history lesson kids!!!

Martin Van Buren:

who the hell remembers this guy?? no one. it took my damn corn chex cereal box to remind me of him this morning:

- born in 1782, the son of a tevernkeeper (bar owner- good man!)

- 8th president of the US 1837 - 1841

- was the first president BORN IN THE US!!

this caught me as strange at first, previous presidents not being born in the US. i mean, isn't that a major rule for security reasons, that the president be a US citizen? turns out that the 14th amendment (the one that defines citizenship) wasn't ratified until 1868. - thanks google!

and thanks to Remarkable Corn Pockets TM for having the highly informational history lesson on the back of the box.

poker noobs... can't trust 'em

the weekly poker game last night consisted of two new guys (noobs) who feigned poker ignorance. lesson leanred.... can't trust 'em.

"i think my hand is getting better" - spoken by one after the fourth card was turned. he's got a straight flush.

"i'm all in" ...... three times in a row. i called it three times in a row and lost each time. who the hell has good enough hands three times in a row to go all in????

i lost, but at least neither of the noobs won.

dubya speak

spend some time here, this is funnny:

Dubya Speak

Skeletor - the E! true hollywood story.....

HA, skeletor kicks!!

hauling ass for nature

"Hauling ass for nature: Wind generated from Toronto highway could power wind turbine"

damn incompetence!!!.....

as i've stated a few times before, i have no patience for incompetence. if you are a secretary, your job is simple, albeit taxing at times. you answer the phones, work the fax/copy machine, check people in and out.... that's it, though a general working knowledge of the business with which you are involved helps.

i went to the doctor's yesterday. this is the appointment, by the way, that i needed to make an appointment to make because the secretary sucked. two weeks ago they had sent me a huge packet of paperwork i need to complete prior to going in. 54 pages of front to back questionnaires about my back and health in general. i fill it all out diligently, giving full names, phone numbers and addresses for every doctor i have been to etc. i spent about two hours gathering this info and filling these forms out.

i show up to the doc's yesterday to this same damn secretary. by the way, i even brought in a photocopy of the front and back of my insurance card and my drivers license so as to not strain her. anyway, i get there and she fingers through all the papers and then frowns. fingers through them again. the conversation went something like this:

secretary: "you forgot one packet"
kyle: "no i didn't, that is everything that i was given"
s: "well, the general wellness form isn't here."
k: "i don't know what to tell you, that is everything i received. i know that because this type of thing puts me off. i purposely went through it all diligently so that i wouldn't have to do this now"
s: "well, don't take a tone with me..... HERE, fill this out"

with that, she hands me another 10 page packet that she forgot to put in the original packet that she had mailed me. i grumble and fill it out.

after the appointment, i have to see the secretary to schedule my steroid injections (look out palmeiro!!). i need to go to this other place to get them done the next day. she is looking for a flyer for the place with directions etc. ....... FOR 10 MINUTES!!!!! for the last two minutes another secretary showed up holding the flyer and tried to hand it to the woman that was looking. the pissy secretary ignored her, so finally she just handed it to me and said they would call my cell when they got my appointment lined out.

an hour later i get a call from the pissy secretary. she goes through a list of crap, price, directions (which i already had). finally she stops talking. the rest of the conversation goes like this (this shit is funny)

s: "blah price blah blah crap blab directions blab"
k: "so, when is my appointment?"
s: "um.............. uh..........."
k: "you did just make the appointment, correct?"
s: "yes, but i uh, i don't have the scheduling sheet here in front of me."
k: "you just made the appointment.... you can't remember what time it was for?"
s: "uh... i think it was 11:30. i'll call them and double check, if i don't call you back, then your appointment is 11:30."
k: "....ok"

so i wait 20 mins.... no call back. so i just called the hospital myself and double checked my appointment. turns out it is at 11:00.... i never got a call from the pissy secretary.

this here is the epitome of what in this world frustrates me. i know dealing with the public can be a pain in the ass, but she's just making her own life miserable.

mmmm, crunchy!!!

ha! the vegan's think that if they shove their scantily-clad, foliage eating women in front of american men, it will stop them from eating meat! here's the problem with that theory:






"for every animal you don't eat, i am going to eat three...."

pet peeve

i hate when you're walking toward a door, and there's someone like 20 feet in front of you. they get to the door and open it, but then hold it open for you so you're forced into a quick trot to get to the door. damnit i hate that!! i'm a big boy, i can open my own door.

the gist

i went to the show last night in Deep Ellum, which is the east side of downtown Dallas. great music scene! there is always at least three-four clubs that have live music every night during the week, and every club has live music on the weekends. As stated in a previous post, i went to go see the head automatica / finch show. i've never felt so old. it was an all ages show, and therefore a bunch of depressed teeny-boppers were milling around the place. It was fun, however, to watch them akwardly attempt to buy beer and hit on each other. I can't believe that at one point in my life i could have connected with them. i'm only 24 but I now know that there is now way that i could have kids. our future has to sit down and do some serious thinking. anyway, here is how the music went:

1. I Am The Avalanche - these guys started the show and as typical for an opening band, they didn't knock my socks off. they had a tough time sticking together, and they couldn't sound more like a garage band.

2. RX Bandits - HOLY CRAP these guys were good!! every member looked like a member of Phish except the lead singer/guitarst who looked like Serj from System Of A Down. music-wise they reminded me of The Urge (a one hit wonder from '98, but good tunes, check out their jam "Jump Right In"). They rocked out with no less than 2 guitars, 1 bass, 1 keyboard, 1 tenor sax, 1 trombone, and 1.5 sets of drums. i knew these guys were for real when, after a solo, the trombone player throws his horn down and runs over to the drums, picks up a set of sticks and plays the drums. he didn't replace the other drummer. no, he played with the other drummer on the same friggin set of drums! he had an extra snare and tom, but they mostly shared the original set in perfect unison. man they kicked.

3. Head Automatica - these guys cancelled due to the fact that the bass player has scurvy. their web site mentions a back problem, Finch mentioned a "serious condition". i put two and 2 together.

4. Finch - these guys were heavy, but nothing special.... at first. then after about the fifth song, the drummer has the audacity to say, "sorry if we suck tonight, we're really tired". WHAT THE FUCK?!!?? NO!! you get paid to play music, this is your fucking job asshole!! i would trade spots with you in a second. this is the equivalent of telling your teacher that the dog ate your homework, when in reality, you were too lazy to do it. i have ZERO patience for incompetence. after this statement, i actually contemplated leaving, but then they pulled out the big guns. they covered Faith No More's Gentle Art Of Making Enemies. they pulled this cover song from out of no where, and did a pretty decent job of it. i then decided to stay.