lumber = 100 gold coins, nails = 50 gold coins, dinosaurs on the ark = priceless!

Dinosaurs were on Noah's ark, extinct because of overhunting and other delusions from Biblically Correct Tours now showing at Denver's Museum of Nature and Science

???

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what if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about???
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ENOUGH!!

i no longer am putting up with blog-spam. i don't need another comment about feminine hygiene, business cards, or otherwise pointless wastes of web space. therefore you need to type in the word thingee when you want to leave a comment. hopefully this helps a bit.

gun control

The NRA filed suit against the government to prevent authorities from confiscating weapons from New Orleans citizens.


"So, Sarge, what are we up to today?"

"Well, boys, we have a neighborhood to clear, shown here on this sketch map. Alpha team will move up the western portion of this area, highlighted here, and Bravo will take the eastern side. We're going house-to-house, gentlemen. There are reports of some weapons in this area and the locals aren't too keen on handing them over. You can expect resistance, and you are authorized to return fire should you be contacted at any time.

"Um, Sarge, that's pretty much the same set of orders we got last week in Iraq...."

"Yeah, ain't that somethin'. Saddle up!"

i think i just crapped my pants

my back is still a bit deuced up, and my muscles are tense all the time, so when i wake up in the morning, it feels like Ali punched me in the kidneys all night. because of this i have been trying different relaxation techniques during the day. one of these that was suggested to me was to stare at the Shamu Underwater Cam for a while. gotta say, NOT relaxing in the EFFING SLIGHTEST!!! it was good for the first minute... water was tranquil, Shamu was slowly swimming around. then, shamu slowly swam accross the pool and out of the camera shot for a minute. i was still watching the tranquil water, then BAM!!! out of now where, Shamu swims right in front of the camera with her big mammally teeth!! it was like Jaws. only worse cuz there was no warning. no eerie music. just HUGE PREDATOR!! that sucked times a thousand. i think i'll go back to the breathing thing....

YAAARRRR!! says i, to thee!!!

September 19th = National Talk Like A Pirate Day

some pirate trivia:

Q. What do you call a pirate who likes to draw and paint?
A. An ARRRRtist

Q. What is a pirates favorite fast food joint?
A. ARRRby's

Q. Where do pirates keep all of the ammo?
A. in their ARRRRsenal

Q. Which State is a Pirates favorite?
A. ARRRRkansas

Q. What is a pirates favorite drink?
A. Rum

Q. What do pirates poison people with?
A. ARRRsenic

Q. What color is a pirates favorite?
A. ARRRRange (orange)

Q. Why is the pirates court case taking so long?
A. It is still in ARRRbitration

Q. What does a pirate wear when he goes into battle?
A. ARRRRmor





Bartender: hey, buddy, what's with that steering wheel?

Pirate: YARR!! i don't know but it's drivin' me nuts! yarr

mascots rock

i heart the college football. college sports are just plain better than pro sports in that the kids are actually playing for something. prime example being march madness (NCAA basketball). you can tell that their hearts are truely in the game. they aren't there for an obscenely large paycheck. college sports bring around a mutlitude of different contests and polls, my favorite being "best mascot". my vote for this contest is Whatchagot Loran (a.k.a. Uga VI), the very large english bulldog representing the University Of Gerogia. how is he so big you ask? well, they feed him babies!

new job for me then....

man invents a gadget smaller than a dvd player that increases any engine burn efficiency to 97% and decrease exhaust pollutants by 100%, using only distilled water, some electrolytes, and an electric current. kick-ass

thing-a-ma-jig

reindeer games

this past weekend was an incredible amount of fun. if you don't have the board game Cranium, get it. it requires at least 4 people, and everyone needs to have a drink or two in them to start. between the charades, trivia, word scrambles, pictionary, and sculpting with play dough, I haven't laughed as hard as i did on saturday in too long of a time. one of my roomates, kevin, who was drunk off his ass, was trying to act out (like in charades) "naked chef". hilarious. he eventually got some props from the kitchen and mooned us. his teamate barely made the right guess in time. after, he sits in a recliner, with the bowl on his head, smacking it with a wisk yelling "matt damon!" a la Team America. by this point i was crying with laughter.

a few minutes later, a frustrated zach comes out of his room and plops down on his couch. he was in there with his girl megan, and so we all question him like we were in high school. and he replies "she'll only make out with me during comercials..." incredible! what's better is that they were watching sports center. i love that this girl has her priorities straight.

i was reminded on sunday morning what it feels like to drink 8 beers and a 5th of jack daniels over the course of the day. i'm getting too old for this..... great times, golden oldies.

some light on the subject

james and moose (see the links to their blogs on the right) have been arguing on the mathematical proof of why women are evil. i was going to just comment on their blogs but this is going to be too long an explanation. i don't feel like writing the proof out, so if you don't know what proof i am talking about, go here.

moose pointed out a discrepancy with the first line, girls = time and money. in math word problems "and" refers to addition, so this should be girls = time + money, not girls = time x money.

though moose's logic seems sound, it can be beaten with a stick, and here's how:

there is an opportunity cost associated with a man spending time with a woman. if a man is with a woman, he is losing his opportunity to be at work, earning more money to spend on the woman. time with woman = time away from work x wages = total opportunity cost

that being said, i have a few discrepancies of my own:

a. for any square root, there are two possible solutions. the square root of evil can be both positive and negative. the whole point of the +/- in front of the quadratic formula is to account for this. therefore, the square root in this problem can only be accepted by using Riemann Surface Theory.

b. time is not equal to money. time is infinite, money is finite. they can not be equal

c. there are too many women in the world for a man to meet them all, therefore, women can be considered infinite. if infinite = evil, we are all screwed.

as much as i appreciate the humor in the original theory, i think there is even more humor in proving/disproving it. your thoughts?

oklahoma is OK!

these oklahomans (oklahomians, oklahomos?) love them some football. my first weekend in oklahoma included the OU/Tulsa football game. the stadium was sold out for what was basically a Big 12 local game. i could have beaten both teams. it was worse than high school football. in fact OU had so little confidence in their quarterback that they did not throw a pass for the entire second half..... and somehow they still beat Tulsa.

worse than this was the regular football triva over the loud speakers. "2 Mnute Drill" type questions like "in the 1967 independence bowl game, so and so ran for 167 yards, what team did he play for, what number was he wearing in that game, and which was his dominant hand?" --- what the crap?!?!

worse than this was the insanity of the fans arguing over said trivia. screaming the answer they each thought it was at the top of their lungs for 5 minutes until the announcer gave the answer. some hung their heads in shame, others cheered and talked ish.

worse than this was the guy sitting next to me. i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and call him mentally retarded. i understand that one must yell at football games. i understand that one must yell even more for his/her favorite team, however, buddy, you're 5 rows from the highest row in the stadium, 1000' away from the field, with 80,000 people in front of you yelling as well..... the players can't hear you. this guy yelled "LET"S GO DEFENSE!!!.... LET"S GO D!!!!" 9572 times during the course of the game.... yes, i counted, but only after it started to annoy me 5 minutes into the 1st quarter, so the real number is more like 9864.

by the half, i could see the look in everyones eyes around us. we all wanted to collectively punch this guy in the face.... twice. even his family was mumbling under their breath about dad. words can not express my frustration with this man and the laws protecting his face.

the game was fun to watch none the less, and the cheerleaders were hot, so oklahoma thus far is OK in my book.

goonies never say die!!!

i'm back from oregon, and i'm already sick of packing. therefore, here's what i learnt in the beaver state:

the first paved road in the US is along the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon, previously known as part of the Oregon Trail. gladly, i did not come down with (or die from) dysentery, though the wagon wheel came close to breaking. this road was designed by Sam Hill who was "committed to keeping a 5% grade along the road." for those non civil engineers out there, this means that if you travel 100 feet along the road, you gain 5 feet in elevation. in this section of the mountains of oregon, keeping to this grade is difficult and requires 25 curves including 8 hairpins. in 1909 such crazy talk was unthinkable, and he is often credited with the origin of the phrase "What in the Sam Hill is going on here?"

along this road i came across a flower with turretts syndrome. the "butter and eggs" flower aka linaria vulgaris . the filth this thing was spewing.....

seagulls do not like extremely happy, energetic, and homeless dogs with seemingly nothing else better to do than run after them on the beach.

a taxi driver said that mount St. Helens has erupted three times in the past 30 years. he was mistaken though i did not correct him. according to the USGS, st. helens erupted in 1980 and had 5 smaller explosions over the next 5 months. 16 dome-building eruptions occurred over the next 6 years. see mount st. helens here.

Portland is a fantastically clean and fun city. between the free public transportation and the brew pubs, i could find myself settling there. just have to deal with the constantly high, slow-moving hippies....

more later, i have to pack all my crap by 7 am tomorrow morning.