chuckles

i don't feel like being creative today so here are a few quotes from my favorite comedian Dane Cook:

"Monopoly. Everyone had it, nobody liked it. Even if you think you liked it...you didn't. And it's simple why. This is anybody here, 4 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly:
'FUCK THIS GAME!!!!!!! It's 4 in the morning grandma... you win! I'm sitting on Baltic with CRAP! And where'd you get the pink $50's grandma, I hate when you're the banker! I'm paying luxery tax out the ass and you're stealing pink $50's?!?! I don't think so! Don't touch me grandpa, NANNA IS A CHEATING WHORE!'"


"I'll tell you what dream used to scare me as a kid, used to actually totally give me night-mares, remeber those kool-aid comercials? where that, no that big talking bowl of punch, he would come crashing through your fucking wall in the living room you wouldn't even know know he would just BOOUF!!! (Exploding Sound) oh yeah!, oh yeah!, oh yeah!!!right, and the little kids were all excited, YES, YES!!! and then they would drink out of him after debris fell in his open dumb head, he would pour himself, OH YEAH! OH YEAH!...him and his crazy tights...I don't like that, I don't like when juice wears tights, it's a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights, fuck drinking out of him, If that was me I'd be like oh no no no no no, you fix that wall before dad gets home from work, hes gonna beat me with a belt he's not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here, you stupid idiot, yeah comin' through the wall is real fuckin' cool....using the front door is cool..... don't touch me you drink! don't touch me you giant beverage, you are sweating or condensating, I will kick you in the tights and you will fall over your very top-heavy, you glass bitch, you glass bastard! OH YEAH! Oh No!"

"No one wants to drown. Drowning woud be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling that you get, oh it's the worst, when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you're at a pool party or something. "I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch my dive, watch my dive!!" Right, then you dive in *SPLASH* and the second you get to the bottom you're like, "GET ME OUTTA HEEEEEEERE!! WHERES THE SURFACE?!!" And you always come up under the kid on the raft. "JESUS CHRIST TIMMY!! DO NOT FLOAT ABOVE ME WHEN I AM DYING IN THE ABYSS!!.... YOUR SON ALMOST KILLED ME WITH HIS DAFFY DUCK RAFT OVER HERE JOHN, YOUR SON TRIED TO MURDER ME IN YOUR POOL..... FLOAT AWAY FOR ME!!! FLOAT AWAY!!"